If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
