I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
