he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
