why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
