The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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