I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
