he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
