just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
