I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Less talking, more tequila
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
