I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
