Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
