My Higher Power is John Stamos
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
