you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
