Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
