this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
