When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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