It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
