2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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