you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
