my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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