I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
