Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
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