i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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