Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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