Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
