If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
