Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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