I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you will always have a special place in my vag
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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