just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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