smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
