some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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