:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
