im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
