My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
