No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
