Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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