I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
