So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
