mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
