You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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