i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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