god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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