Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
