I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
