I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
