No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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