How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
