Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
