Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
