The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I had to cum in my sink.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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