when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
