i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
