I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
