All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
